“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Sunday, September 30, 2007


From the penthouse offices of Panhandle Truth Squad, high above the corner of 10th and Burr in downtown Amarillo, I survey the damage. I am looking for scenes of mass devastation—of looting and of rioting—but I see only a mugging. Ah, well. It is incumbent upon all of us to inflate our own importance.

Earlier, I had issued my missive in which I adopted a tone of petulant whining. “The blogosphere has become an uncollegial place,” I whined. “It is full of personal attacks, so unlike the impersonal attacks I favor.”

I hoped that readers of the petulant missive would ignore the savage personal attacks on the kindly old codg—kindly centegenarian Virgil Van Camp and the mean-spirited posts about the beloved sports columnist David H. Henry appearing just below.

I needn’t have worried because almost no one read the post, but, if they had, I was prepared with my Group Blog defense. “The Panhandle Truth Squad is a group blog,” I would opine. “I speak only for myself—not calamus venenum or blogarillo or any of the others.” And hopefully no one would guess the ugliest truth of all.

For the Truth is that calamus and blogarillo, and all the rest—even the ones who go by their own names behind enemy territory, in the very pages of the very Amarillo Globe-Republican, Lazar and Tackitt and Seewald—they are all me. They are all manifestations of my multiple personality disorder. In truth, there is only one progressive “thinker” in the entirety of the Texas Panhandle, and it is me. All the others are merely manifestations of my mental illness.

There is only one person behind the curtain, pulling the strings of many other fictional voices. This explains the groupthink that exists here, the way we always march in lockstep, in 100% agreement on all issues. The fact that blogarillo and Abdul Alhazred work in the same place is easily explained by my lack of any real imagination, as is this blog’s single-minded obsession with Virgil Van Camp and Dave Henry. Sorry, "D*ve H*nry," although I generally try to alter my spelling to keep the mythology of a group blog alive.

I just wish the myriad of voices in my head wouldn’t argue with each other so much, even as they agree totally with one another. Maybe I’ll try to get them to be nicer to one another. Then I’ll have what all the other bloggers seem to have—someone to watch my back.


the blogosphere and its discontents

There are all kinds of truism about Utopian movements; some of them are even true. One that certainly seems to be is that they always break down and fall apart due to infighting.

The liberal blogosphere-- whatever the fevered imaginings of the wingnuts may be-- has never been the sort of Utopia that would be filmed in soft focus with "Everybody Get Together" playing over the scene. But we had are common dreams and our common language and we worked together, in our way, toward common goals.

All of that seems increasingly far away and long away.

One of the central tenets of Orthodox Blogism is that we're all judged by what we write, nothing more, nothing less. It's the positive side of the old joke about the Internet and dogs. At PTS, we've taken that notion seriously; in a sense, it's why we exist. The Amarillo Globe-News presents such a one-side, right-wing, corporatist viewpoint to the world that we found it incumbent upon ourselves to throw out a different view. To let those who looked for it know that our town is not necessarily--not entirely, anyway-- a wingnut compound filed with guns, Bibles, George Bush bumper stickers, and Wrangler jeans.

Since we've all been threatened for what we write, we developed thick skins. Since we were free speech absolutists, we opened our comments to the trolls. We left them open because the trolls showed their worst side, in effect proving our point.

But the record will show that the only comments we have removed have been those that we believed were deliberately hurtful. We didn't want anyone to get hurt and we didn't mean anything personally.

I know the people who believe that I'm being truthful with the preceding paragraph are in a decide minority. Hell, maybe I'm the only one who believes it. But I do think that we've always based our criticism and our satire on what people write, not who they are. Or: we always assumed that people showed who they were by what they write.

When I wrote the recent post about TXSharon, I adopted the same satirical tone I always have. And I based what I wrote on what she wrote, because what else was there? I don't know her, so how could it be personal?

I certainly didn't expect the post to be well-received at \exas Kaos, but I didn't expect to be accused of a personal attack, or of a "call-out diary". I'm not sure I even know what a call-out diary is. I certainly can't imagine how that term could possibly be defined that wouldn't make the entire liberal blogosphere one big "call-out" along with 99% of politics itself.

But this is the state of the blogosphere in late 2007. It has been for some time, perhaps since the first wave of Daily Kossacks became disenchanted with the orange place. But it grows worse and worse, this infighting, these thin skins. To the point that now, when you write something critical based on someone's writing, it's assumed to be personal, it gets taken personally.

I don't know where I go from here. Short of the adoption of the hardest-line outcome of net neutrality, the blogs will always exist; the technology is out there and many people want this voice. But the liberal blogosphere as a cohesive movement has been dead for awhile and I'm losing interest in everything but the writing.


Friday, September 28, 2007

Not to be Neglected

The Amarillo Peccary-Buttocks – oops, sorry, I mean the Amarillo Globe-News (the Amarillo Peccary-Buttocks is a completely fictional newspaper that belongs in an entirely different sketch) is to be congratulated for a perfectly charming piece by Virgil Van Camp last Friday.

In it he writes about why he reluctantly joined the Lions Club and his first unwilling assignment to deliver little boys home from the Crippled Children’s Camp. From that inauspicious beginning he rose to become director of the camp, president of the Lions, and maintained perfect attendance for 39 years.

As we read this latest chapter in Van Camp’s auto-hagiography, we cannot but wonder that we stand in the shadow of a giant among men, that we are blessed to live in the same age as this great humanitarian. We can only marvel how selfless he has been in deed, how virtuous in character and how modest in nature. Surely he is amongst that august pantheon of panhandle nobility.

We who think him ignorant find none here, for it is all about him and therefore what he still remembers. We who think him a racist bigot find none here, for there are no references to colored people, Muslims, Mexicans, or Democrats. There is no fault, no blemish, nothing to criticize. If only all his other columns had been as equally pallid and innocuous.

I just hope all the children Virgil took for a ride were accounted for. Then again maybe they didn’t let darkies in his Crippled Children’s Camp.

World War Flying Ace

Here's the World War flying ace high over the newly formed Republic of San Francisco in his Sopwith Camel searching for the infamous Gay Baron. I must bring him down! Suddenly anti-straightguy fire bursts beneath my plane. The Gay Baron has spotted me.
Nyahh, Nyahh, Nyahh! You can't hit me!
Actually, tough flying aces never say Nyahh, Nyahh...
Drat this fog! It's bad enough to have to fight the Gay Baron without having to fly in weather like this. All right Gay Baron where are you? You can't hide forever!
Wait the moon has broken through. I see him there over the Golden Gate...or should I say Golden Gay Bridge. It's a Fokker Triplane and the guy flying it is one bad mother Fokker.
I've got you this time Gay Baron. Auggghh he's diving. Going down... You've tricked me again Gay Baron. Curse you and your kind. Curse the evil that causes all this unhappiness.
Here's the World War flying ace back at the aerodrome in Amarillo. He is exhausted and yet he dows not sleep, for one thought continues to burn in his mind.
Someday I'll get you Gay Baron.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Another Great Git

Poor Wayne Wiley's mind is completely blown by the fact that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wasn’t arrested and tried for his part in the Iranian hostage crisis.

A little secret, Wayne. Not everyone is convinced the guy in your photograph is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, including the C.I.A. The people who do think that’s him think it’s the guy to the immediate right of the hostage in the photo, not the far right. (Note to AGN Fact Checking Department: hire Fact Checking Department.) Being held hostage for 444 days is a long time, but it doesn’t add up to 3 years. (Note to Wayne: years have 365.25 days and, oh never mind, you’re a goober.) And arresting him would not just be “not nice politics” but violate a little thing called “diplomatic immunity.”

Perhaps your mind was blown long before this.

This has been brought to you by the editor bringing us the best in complete idiots, loonies and great gits for a long, long time, "The Nose." “If I can't smell it, does it stink?”

UPDATE 10.02.07

Provoked by the Iranian President’s visit, Fletcher Sims demands we support U.S. Rep. Ron Paul’s legislation that would not only “remove the United States from the United Nations, but would remove that diabolical organization from our shores.”

Typical local rant. What is shocking, shocking! is to see a letter in the Amarillo Globe-News countering Wayne Wiley suggesting “if President Bush ever touches foreign ground, he too should be arrested” for his lies, aggression and war crimes. Oh, the madness!

David Turney even goes so far to suggest that Bush, in ensuring his absolute power, “Sounds like a certain fascist leader from the not-so-distant past to me.”

In the land of they who worship the Sacred Bush this is death wish talk. After this token rebuttal let the hate mail avalanche begin!

she don't need no education

I gotta say TXSharon is just about the weirdest freaking progressive I've ever read. I, and others, have clashed with her before about the HPV vaccine. She certainly defends her opinion with, um, exuberance.

As for Big Orange, I've been noting for years that the place is getting increasingly reactionary.

Now, I’m the last person to object to Shooting Sacred Cows or Departing from Orthodoxy or any of that stuff. But this Recommended Diary from yesterday is a little disappointing.

I’d like to phrase all of this politely, but I'm not sure I know how. The best I think I can do is cross post on Texas Kaos. I doubt this post will be well-received there. TXSharon is nothing if not prickly.

Her diary is based on a post on John Edwards’ blog which claims that a supporter’s son was suspended from a Texas high school for wearing an Edwards T-shirt. I could find very little evidence or explanation of the situation beyond this post.

I do know that I teach at a high school in Texas. The high school I teach at has implemented increasingly draconian dress codes each year. Each year the codes fail, and each year the school board implements an even more draconian policy. In recognition of this situation, I've taken to calling the latest policy the Surge.

But, nevertheless, I do have a job. And my job, like all jobs, has certain requirements. The latest dress code at my school bans all T-shirts. It also bans all shirts with writing on them. TXSharon asks

Do you think this would have happened if the t-shirt said:
God Bless America
Long live George Bush?
Well, yeah, it probably would have. If a student wore a John Edwards, or a George Bush, or a John Paul Jones, or a George Orwell shirt to school, I would have to send her or him to the office. Needless to say, it would have nothing to do with the politics of the shirt.

If TXSharon -- who brags about home-schooling her own kids, and makes nasty comments about public education -- wants to lose the only friends she has in Texas public schools because they fail to enforce school policy, she can continue with this quixotic crusade.

Otherwise she should educate herself about the realities in the Texas public schools, and do what all of us teachers have done-- learn to pick her battles.


The Wonderful World of Warthogs 9/27/07

Welcome to “The Wonderful World of Warthogs,” the program devoted to examining our local warthog community, listening to their “historic voice” and seeing if we can learn anything from their incessant snorts and grunts.This is a very special edition of “The Wonderful World of Warthogs.” By popular demand this program is entirely, totally, absolutely devoted to warthog bottom Dav* H*nry.

We invited him to appear on the show for an interview, but apparently he doesn’t acknowledge our existence, so instead his Number 1 fan in America, if not the entire world, asked to come in his place. Let’s give a huge round of applause in welcoming the Internet and media’s latest phenom – Chris Crocker!

Hi everyone. I just wanted to come on here, along with the other cute, cuddly, little animals like Cat’s Meow and Hippity Hop, to defend Dave, to protect Dave, and tell you, tell you to your face, just how mean and ugly you’re being to him. You’re just horrible! How freaking dare you make fun of Dave after all he’s been through!

He went through a divorce from that cow. He’s got that freaking kid. And just when he was starting over, starting a new life, you have to write these hateful, hateful things about him. He’s a human being! All you do is write a bunch of crap about him. You are so cruel and unusually horrid. It breaks my -- breaks my heart.

He’s a wonderful, wonderful man. He was so beautiful at the remedial journalism seminar. I was in my blue dress talking about subjunctive clauses; our eyes met and we knew. It was -- it was – so – beautiful. That weekend was so, so dreamy, so passionate. When he caressed and noticed my Adam’s Apple, and I told him Ann Coulter had one too, it just made him so hot, so romantic. His beard tickled so much, in so many places!

I love him so much. Why can’t you just LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky he even keeps writing for you BASTARDS so you can mock him! What is so wrong with him still doing sports stories, going into the boys’ locker room and shower, notebook and camera in hand, but the paper won’t publish them! What’s with that? He has been so, so frustrated!

Why do you all hate him so much? Why are you all so obsessed with him? You are all so pathetic. It makes me want to throw up like a Swedish girl. Just LEAVE DAVE ALONE! Please. He’s trying to write his book right now. It’s called “It’s All About Me” and I’m helping him, but all these mean, vicious attacks are tearing us apart. It’s so awful. I just can’t bear it.

Please Dave, don’t let them do this to us. We love each other, I know it. You haven’t called me back. We made such mad, wild passionate love. When you discovered – you were so surprised – I thought you’d be so happy. You said you’d send me to the Tehran Pridefest. Why don’t you return my calls, Dave?

You nasty, horrible people have just devastated him. Don’t you know what a real personal attack looks like? You should be ashamed. Dave – sweetheart -- I know you don’t have the sack to answer calamus’ spiteful hate, but you know – you know I have the sack, so I’m telling calamus and all of you to leave my Dave alone, please! Leave Dave Henry alone, right now! I mean it!

Anyone that has a problem with him you deal with me, because he is the Britney Spears of journalism, and he is not well right now.


Well, ah, er – thank you Chris for being on our program. That was very brave of you. Let’s give Chris a big round of applause ladies and gentlemen.

Dave, if you’re out there watching why don’t you call this attractive young man? And in the future we here at “The Wonderful World of Warthogs” will make sure, like our counterparts, that we discuss issues, not engage in personal attacks.

Next week on “The Wonderful World of Warthogs” our subject will be “Did Virgil Van Camp contract untreated syphilis from a Japanese prostitute or was it from Celtic Texan’s wife?”

Thanks for tuning in, and see you next week.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Irony anyone?

Looks like Iran does to gays in Iran as many Republicans would like to do to gays in the US.
Dave Smendrick, CelticTexan and other such...er...uh...citizens, must be in a bit of a quandry...h-bombs or high fives?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Wonderful World of Warthogs

Welcome to “The Wonderful World of Warthogs,” the program devoted to examining our local warthog community, listening to their “historic voice” and seeing if we can learn anything from their incessant snorts and grunts.

On this edition of “The Wonderful World of Warthogs” we will examine warthog bottoms and try to answer a question submitted by Tiffany, an exotic dancer and mistress to a former commissioner candidate. Her question, and I quote here, is:

“In view of the current existential crisis in socio-political epistemology, is it possible to engage a warthog posterior in a reasoned, logical argument?”
Thank you Miss Tiffany.

To help us in answering this question on “The Wonderful World of Warthogs” we have as our guest today warthog bottom Mr. Tom, who recently appeared in a rejoinder to a critique of another warthog bottom who writes for the Amarillo Peccary-Buttocks.

Welcome warthog bottom Mr. Tom. Let’s get right down to it. We’re going to recap the points made against the Amarillo Peccary-Buttocks’ warthog bottom, then yours, and then we’ll respond.

First, Mr. H*nry, you compare a religion and a country, apples to oranges. There are also free Muslim countries and intolerant Christians.

1. No, there are no free Muslim countries. Even in Morocco, a liberal oasis in a sea of religious intolerance, it is a criminal offense for a Muslim to convert to any other faith.

Here Mr. Tom you have failed to address Mr. H*nry’s classic switch, which is like comparing the whole of Christendom, without its variety of denominations and range of tolerance to bigotry, to the nation of Togo. With his usual warthog bottom rhetoric H*nry construes Islam as monolithic and intolerant, setting the stage for the warthog dungfest that is to follow.

Having missed that point, you are wrong on the second. Many Muslim countries allow by law freedom of religion, including Judaism and Christianity. It must be added that this does not always mean religious groups are free from persecution, primarily in fundamentalist Islamic countries.

In Morocco, where Islam is the state religion, it is not a criminal offense for a Muslim to convert. Turkey, also a Muslim nation, is sectarian, and is more “liberal” than Morocco.

Second, Mr. H*nry, it is an Arabic language school, not a Muslim school or madrassa as critics are making out.

2. Right, sure it is.

Mr. Tom you offer no evidence whatsoever to suggest that this public school is a religious school. They teach Arabic and learn about Islamic culture. Must you be reminded that the First Amendment only permits public monies to support public schools?

Perhaps you are worried like some conservatives that being taught Latin will turn you into a pagan or learning Greek will make you a democracy loving homosexual. If any exposure to another culture is indoctrination then there must be many little mujahadeen out there from watching Disney’s “Aladdin.”

Third, Mr. H*nry, as a public school the focus on a particular language is perfectly legitimate. It is not one of the “many Muslim/Islam-focused schools” which are private religious schools, also perfectly legitimate in this country.

3. The world is filled with Wahhabi madrassas (funded by Saudi Arabia) that are teaching that non-muslims are decadent and must be destroyed.
While you are to some degree correct this is not to the point Mr. Tom. What do Wahhabi madrassas in the rest of the world have to do with Islamic schools in this country that are not Wahhabi? Not all madrassas in the Muslim world are religious schools and not all religious madrassas in the rest of the world are run by the Wahhabis. Are all Christian schools in the world fundamentalist teaching that Catholics are Satanists and the Pope is the Anti-Christ?

Fourth, Mr. H*nry, it does not follow that Arabic is the Muslim language, as Christians, Jews and Druze speak it, while many Muslims do not, including Iranians and Pakistanis.

4. Arabic is the primary language of Muslims everywhere. The Quran was written in Arabic, and the learning of Arabic is encouraged for all true believers.
Following this logic since the New Testament was written in Greek then the primary language of Christians is Greek, and the only true believers in the world belong to the Greek Orthodox Church. The rest of us are apostates.

Arabic cannot be the primary language of Muslims because 90% of Muslims do not speak it as their native language. It is true however that because the Qur’an was written in Arabic and its “true meaning” can be lost in translation the learning of basic Arabic is encouraged for Muslims.

Fifth, Mr. H*nry, even though you maintain the fiction of an Arabic religious school by begging the question about finding similar schools with a “Christian background,” can they in fact be found in Iran or Saudi Arabia? The answer, Mr. H*nry, is yes.

5. See #3. Most muslim religious schools teach the Quran and whatever interpretations of it that the mullahs running it happen to believe. They don't teach anything else.

You have completely missed the point again Mr. Tom. Mr. H*nry was asking if schools with a “Christian background” could be found in Muslim countries like Iran or Saudi Arabia. It was not about Muslim schools in Muslim countries teaching Christianity.

There are Christian schools in many Muslim countries, including Greek Orthodox schools in Iran. Mr. H*nry, being a warthog bottom, simply assumed there wouldn’t be any.

Sixth, Mr. H*nry, you would notice that the countries that “kill, maim and torture citizens with different religious beliefs” aren’t getting a free pass if you didn’t have your head up your ass.

6. Yes they are. Saudia Arabia, Egypt, Morocco, Lebanon, etc. are all countries that don't allow non-muslims any freedom.
Again you miss the point Mr. Tom. No one is ignoring those countries that abuse the freedoms of their religious minorities. Governments, international human rights organizations and religious and political rights groups within those countries report abuses, lodge protests, and push for reform. Just because Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly aren’t talking about it doesn’t mean those countries are getting a “free pass.”

As for your list and absolute generalization, wrong again. Saudi Arabia, officially an Islamic state, fundamentalist, strict, intolerant even of other Islamic, non-Sunni beliefs, does permit non-Muslim religious practice -- in private.

Egypt, Morocco and Lebanon legally recognize non-Muslim religious minorities and their freedom to worship. Lebanon’s appearance on your list is especially preposterous as over a third of the population is Christian and they are guaranteed representation in government.

Seventh, Mr. H*nry, to be charitable you seem to have the IQ of a retarded gerbil. Beyond watering the potted plants and making Less Simpson look twice as smart as you, is there anything else in your job description?

7. You don't sound particularly bright yourself.

Well, warthog bottom Mr. Tom, this does not look encouraging. Let’s go to a commercial break, after which we’ll attempt to answer a viewer’s question, which is “What sound does a warthog bottom make when it’s had a sharp stick shoved up its arse?"

Please visit some of our resources: the U.S. Department of State

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Red State Update

Osama bin Laden's latest video has an effect on Jackie. LOL

-Prodigal Son

Saturday, September 15, 2007

This is just wrong...

Borrowing Money to Get To The Fair

Hard to believe something like that could happen here in blood-red Amarillo, filled to the brim with Personal Accountability Conservatives.

Friday, September 14, 2007

An Apologia 1.02

The Law Offices of Nibon and Mitsu, Sunbeam Napsters and Feather Toy Chasers, LLP, would like to apologize for the actions of their client, Erik V. Williams, former commissioner candidate, at the Chamber of Commerce Barbeque yesterday, September 13, 2007. To wit:

6:10 -- that he accosted a perfect stranger thinking she was his bartender.

6:30 -- that he accosted another woman who had been his bartender.

6:50 -- that while talking with Jay Ricci, local ABC anchor, Madison Scott, city commissioner, walked up to say hello, asked where the beer was, and Mr. Williams pulled an “AGN” and called him “Scott.”

7:15 -- that he accidentally kicked Judge Arthur Ware in the ankle.

7:20 -- that after Jim Simms (city commissioner and Vice-President of Amarillo National Bank who was cooking at their booth) remarked that Mr. Williams was too busy to be a commissioner, Mr. Williams wise-cracked that Mr. Simms should “keep cooking the brisket.”

7:30 -- that when drinking with the Hall County commissioners, he insulted one of their horses by saying it reminded him of Dav* H*nry.

7:45 -- accosted his bartender.

8:04 – suggested something suggestive to the couple that bought him drinks that had a suggestive name.

8:15 – accosted his bartender.

8:20 – insulted a police officer by saying he looked like Less Simpson.

8:21 – started raving at the police officer that Amarillo was run by Christians and that George Bush was a moron.

8:24 – seven police units called to the bar.

8:45 – scared the cats by arriving home reeking of cigarette smoke and perfume.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

standing in the barn, waving goodbye to the horse

Last year I was in New York on the 11th of September. This year-- as on the first 9/11, and most since-- I was in front of a classroom. On my way from Amarillo to that classroom, I listened as the disembodied voices on a talk radio show discussed whether this day should be a national holiday. The consensus was that it shouldn't, since eventually, inevitably it would become commercialized and all partied up. Maybe not in a year, maybe not in three years, but sometime within a decade Wal-Mart would run the first "Patriot Day" (or whatever) sale, and then hypercapitalism would run amok.

For the record, I agree. But the record also shows that September 11th was commercialized a long, long time ago...on September 27, 2001, at the Chicago O'Hare International Airport, when the newly-crowned Emperor W called on Americans to go back to the malls...and, even closer to home, when, on the very same day, then-Mayor Trent Sisemore and his merry band of war profiteers introduced the "Buy at Home, Support America Now" campaign.


An Open Letter This 9/11

Dearest John,

I am glad KACV-TV is not observing the anniversary of 9/11 with another “Community Conversation” program. It was embarrassing to see you sit there last time, watching people of three faiths speak amicably and against intolerance while you mumbled1 about being a “gatekeeper” keeping out prejudice, yet all that time your newspaper was (and continues to be) the main public source of bigotry in our community.

Oh I know in your eyes the Amarillo Globe-News doesn’t publish bigotry and even if it did you’d think you’ve made great strides at ethnic and religious education with an article or column here and there. But from this side it looks like less than a token effort with the lies you allow to be printed and go unrefuted. You can deny it, but it’s like hearing the serial killer plead he’s a humanitarian because, after all, he did allow some of his victims to live.

So with Virgil and Dav* and Steve and Ralph and Mary fouling your pages you keep on pretending you’re an enlightened humanitarian.

Oh, and by the by, many of those questions on that show were meant for you. They were from me.

Ta, ta.


Calamus Venenum


1Figuratively, not literally. (Received a complaint.)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Saving Our Ass

It might be just another Friday afternoon in the fair Yellow City,

but a dark shadow sweeps ominously over the unsuspecting citizens residents below.

Yes, it is Virgil Van Camp, aeronaut extraordinaire! He has survived the thermonuculear enema. (We were told he was thick-skinned but talk about a hardass!) But who is his companion? Ah, it is none other than the cranky crone of Canyon, Mary Chumbley herself. Broom a bit slow these days?

With a flight plan that says they’re out for a “joy ride” we’d better watch out, looks like we’re in for a bit of ethnic and
political cleansing!

Oh no! Their target is Howard: political icon; beloved patron saint of liberal imbibers; objet d’ art and occasional sex toy. As Howard waits patiently on Polk Street Camp readies to unload his regular 1,000 pound colonic bomb. For Virgil, once Howard is blown to a gazillion ceramic bits, the leaderless legion squadron of mocking photoshop reprobates will be scattered to the bovine flatulent fragrant winds.

But wait, Pantex Plutonium Pussy appears from out of nowhere to save Howard! All cheer Pantex Plutonium Pussy! Van Camp is unable to achieve his climactic release to shoot his vile eruptions upon our public streets.

His attack interrupted, he yanks upon his joystick and swoops back up into the sky. He knows what felonies this monster feline has committed. He has waited for this moment. Enraged, he turns back for the kill.

“I’m finally going to get me some pussy!” Camp bellows. Behind him Mary Chumbley tingles with excited anticipation and clutches at his bald head. Camp prematurely ejects a rocket.

Regaining his composure Camp locks on target and unleashes a barrage of air-to-kitty missiles. Pantex Plutonium Pussy stands her ground and shields Howard from the savage onslaught.

Pantex Plutonium Pussy disappears amidst the tremendous explosions. Flame and smoke fill the street and roil the sky.

Their adversary vanquished, Chumbley grabs Camp’s neck, giving him a fat, parched, hickey. Feeling her sharp dentures wobbling against his leathery flesh, Camp forgets he is not flying his slow single-engine prop plane.

Suddenly one of his few remaining synapses fires and Camp realizes he is in a high-powered jet screaming straight towards the ground. At the last moment he pulls out of the dive, banks and roars into the clear blue sky of Plaza II.

Strangely, or not strangely in the small, interconnected world of the Yellow City, Van Camp and Chumbley plow straight into the offices of Kingdom Keys Radio Network, rudely intruding upon Ricky Pfeil, president, manager, duster and degenerate noticer. Has another
"pervert" laden column been cut short? Luckily it was only his sweaty-palmed perusal of a well-worn edition of Boys’ Life. Not to worry, he will be rescued from the stall as well as the two Republican congressional aides adjacent.

Pantex Plutonium Pussy has survived, unscathed and unscratched! Howard is safe! He can continue to be the centerpiece of Drinking Liberally, an emblem of Amarillo progressivism, and occasional accessory to leather goods, spiked heels and – but now it’s nappy time.

All (quietly – it is nappy time) cheer Pantex Plutonium Pussy.

[This episode has been brought to you by Dav* H*nry and Anti-Kosher Second-Hand Wieners: “If you don’t know what’s in ‘em, how can you possibly get cancer?”]

Red State Update: Nekkid Vanessa Hudgens

Holy crap! Jackie Broyle IS the dude down the street. Cigarette and Bud in hand. Saw him mowing his dirt Saturday.

-Prodigal Son

Saturday, September 08, 2007

virgil in the village

In January 1961, the young man who would become Virgil Van Camp headed for New York City to perform and to visit his ailing musical idol Woody Guthrie in a New Jersey hospital. Guthrie had been a revelation to Van Camp and was the biggest influence on his early performances. From April to September of 1961 Van Camp played at various clubs around Greenwich Village, gaining some public recognition after a positive review in The New York Times by critic Robert Shelton of a show he played at Gerde's Folk City in September. At Gerde’s, Van Camp would first sing the composition that was to become an anthem for the legions of disaffected young conservatives who would take over the streets and campuses throughout the remainder of the decade:

You gave me a dollar,
I gave you a dime.
You gave me a hundred,
I gave you the time.
You gave me your soul.
I gave you Bob Dole.
I'm happy to be a Republican.

You gave me clean water,
I gave you toxic waste.
You carried the sign
I tear-gassed and maced.
You gave me welfare
and I gave you warfare.
I'm happy to be a Republican.

You gave me education;
I fired the teachers.
You gave me Statesmen,
I replaced them with Preachers.
You gave me construction.
I gave you corruption.
I'm happy to be a Republican.

spacedark (some text appropriated from Wikipedia)

Friday, September 07, 2007

see panhandle truth squad for examples

The thing about parody is that, for it to work, it needs to be at least a little bit absurd and not kinda reasonable sounding.


Why Dav* H*nry is an Idiot: No. 1,847

Amarillo Globe-News, September 6, 2007

Opinions others won't give:* Tell me which is the religion of tolerance and which country practices freedom. An Arabic school opened in New York this week, one of many Muslim/Islam-focused schools in America. Try finding a similar school with a Christian background in countries such as Saudi Arabia or Iran. It is puzzling that countries and governments that kill, maim and torture citizens with different religious beliefs - and relegate women to secondary status - get a free pass on the world outrage scale.

First, Mr. H*nry, you compare a religion and a country, apples to oranges. There are also free Muslim countries and intolerant Christians.

Second, Mr. H*nry, it is an Arabic language school, not a Muslim school or madrassa as critics are making out.

Third, Mr. H*nry, as a public school the focus on a particular language is perfectly legitimate. It is not one of the “many Muslim/Islam-focused schools” which are private religious schools, also perfectly legitimate in this country.

Fourth, Mr. H*nry, it does not follow that Arabic is the Muslim language, as Christians, Jews and Druze speak it, while many Muslims do not, including Iranians and Pakistanis.

Fifth, Mr. H*nry, even though you maintain the fiction of an Arabic religious school by begging the question about finding similar schools with a “Christian background,” can they in fact be found in Iran or Saudi Arabia? The answer, Mr. H*nry, is yes.

Sixth, Mr. H*nry, you would notice that the countries that “kill, maim and torture citizens with different religious beliefs” aren’t getting a free pass if you didn’t have your head up your ass.

Seventh, Mr. H*nry, to be charitable you seem to have the IQ of a retarded gerbil. Beyond watering the potted plants and making Less Simpson look twice as smart as you, is there anything else in your job description?

*Opinions most are not stupid enough to have.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

drinking liberally amarillo, september

Drinking Liberally Amarillo will resume after our summer 2007 hiatus with a house party at 7:00 p.m. on Friday the 7th of September at the home of Texas Moderate. R.S.V.P. via e-mail to panhandletruthsquad@yahoo.com for directions and a Google map.


Back To The Mines

Monday, September 03, 2007

Another Chimera

Will these nightmares never end? Our attention has been drawn back to the citadel of truth by a wailing scream. But here we do not find a damsel in distress but the newspaper’s top hot dog to Amarillo’s right-wingnut gourmands. Not a frank or furtive writer, this usually flaccid hose is all plumped up about the latest political outrage.

Alberto Gonzales has resigned, and this corn dog has
defended him again with the half-truth that Clinton fired 93 Attorneys General, failing to note that each administration removes the previous administration’s attorneys and appoints its own when coming into office. Bush did the same darn thing! This chili dog has never understood that firing your own attorneys without cause is political.

Now on the wrong side again, this little sniveling sausage has been left holding his petulant pickle. But we knew all along he was just another whimpering wiener.

Is there any changing the heart and mind of an undifferentiated meat tube? Alas, all that can be done is hold the relish and toast his sorry buns –

With a visit from Pantex Plutonium Pussy!

All cheer Pantex Plutonium Pussy!

Happy Socialist Government Interference Day

Sunday, September 02, 2007

who are Goldwater's Panhandle heirs, John?

Toward the end of this morning's hagiographic column about Barry Goldwater ("Where have you gone, Sen. Goldwater?"), John Kanelis veers off into hagiography of one of his favoritist Panhandlians, Rep. Mac Thornswiffle of Clarendon-wherever-the-hell-that-is. John spends 457 words on the unremarkable argument that Barry Goldwater would not be at home in the sordidly hypocritical Republican party of Mark Foley, David Vitter, and, most recently, Larry Craig. For what it's worth I agree-- and would add that Goldwater, for whom I've always had a soft spot (and I'm not alone), would differ from these Republicans on more than hypocrisy. The cantankerous and contrarian Senator would likely be the type of libertarian who would not be afraid to point out that the Republicans had become the party of government interference. Late in life, he was even able to take his live-and-let-live philosophy to its logical conclusion and support pro-choice and pro-gay rights positions. By the 1980s, he had come to hate the religious right and once said that "[e]very good Christian should line up and kick Jerry Falwell's ass." As I've said before, "Mr. Conservative" went to his grave a good, solid liberal.

It's too late to kick Falwell's ass. His evil spawn have taken over Christianity to the point that a large chuck of the faith is no longer recognizable and should be renamed. They've also taken over much of our government, but, according to Kanelis, Thornawful and the Panhandle delegation oppose this takeover:

OK, not all conservative Republicans are hypocrites. Many of them, such as Rep. Mac Thornberry of Clarendon, are Boy Scouts.

But Thornberry and other Texas and Panhandle Republicans are being pulled by the temptation to place morality at the front rank of important issues. More than one Panhandle Republican has grumbled privately in recent years about the hijacking of the state party by its far-right wing that sets up socially conservative litmus tests to determine who are the most faithful Republicans.
Um, come again? Pampa's Warren Chisum is the poster boy for "the hijacking of the state party by its far-right wing that sets up socially conservative litmus tests to determine who are the most faithful Republicans." If Kanelis' Opinion page has condemned Chisum for this, I haven't seen it.

But maybe Kanelis wasn't writing about Chisum. His piece seems to imply that Thornquagmire is upset about the far right wing. I doubt that myself, but Kanelis certainly implies it.

But he also said "more than one". So who are they? These people are not your friends, John. As a member of the press you're supposed to have a somewhat adversarial relationship with them. Name us some names.