Not "Monkey" Ancestors!

Even though we plan to observe “Celebrate Your Monkey Ancestors Day” with others of like mind, since we in no way shape or form subscribe to the proposition or belief that the Earth was created in 4004 BC at 9:00 AM on Easter Sunday Central Standard Time¹ and that modern man is descended from Adam and Eve, my wife and I as strict evolutionists cannot in good conscience allow the term “Monkey Ancestors” to be invoked without comment.

This is not to put a damper on what may well be an evening of “monkeyshines,” or to force whimsical nomenclaturists to go “ape,” but to correct an egregious error, whatever the court’s decision in the infamous Scopes Monkey Trial -- WE ARE NOT DESCENDED FROM MONKEYS!

Nor are we descended from apes. Humans and apes evolved from a common ape-like ancestor, which in turn descended from an ancestor in common with the monkey’s antecedents.

If we are to honestly celebrate our pre-human ancestors we must honor Australopithecus afarensis, Sahelanthropus tchadensis, Pierolapithecus catalaunicus and Proconsul africanus, the last now extinct for 25 million years.

And as we do so let us also recognize that however long they have turned to dust, no matter how much natural selection has reshaped us, we as their living progeny still carry within us their genetic history. Their DNA remains inside our genes, silent, dormant, yet ready by some fluke of the genetic code to reawaken and find expression.

Here someone has an extra tail bone, legacy of a misty past when we clambered about the trees. There someone has the heavy brow ridge and sloping forehead of the prehistoric traditionalist who fought the use of fire and tools and language. Large canine teeth or excessive body hair are also atavisms, or throwbacks, to a time long before Stouffers and Burlington Coat Factory.

We need only see the reconstructed features of the primitive primate fossil below to recognize how far we have come. As we look upon brittle stone rendered into flesh, let us wonder upon this slender twig of the family tree. Too small-brained to compete on its own, its kind surely reached a dead end eons ago.


So let us “Celebrate Your Monkey Ancestors Day,” taking comfort in the knowledge that this cretinous little creature, and any throwbacks to it, is not one of our own.










¹This was 6,000 years before the invention of Daylight Savings Time.