The Evolution / Intelligent Design debate has been rekindled with the discovery of a new hominid fossil in the Texas Panhandle. The new species, Homo meridianicus or "really late in the day man," was found by Professor Giles of the Center for Easier Research Through Optimal Nescience (CERTON) of Amarillo. Dubbed “Panhandle Man” after the region where it was unearthed, Professor Giles’ fossils pose a fundamental challenge to the origins of mankind established by over a century of careful scientific investigation.
These new fossils, distinguished by their small cranial cavities and thick skulls, evidently post-date the emergence of intelligence in our species, Homo sapiens. While these features might have provided a distinct survival advantage in man's descent from arboreal ancestors (many appear to have fallen out of the tree head first) in Panhandle Man these characteristics clearly rendered him impervious to reason and learning. These specimens are a testament to the fact that evolution, the theory that life progresses from simple to more highly developed forms over time, simply did not occur in Texas.
CERTON’s researcher was initially baffled at how these early antediluvians managed to survive the Great Flood. They were evidently kept off the Ark by an embarrassed Noah, but Giles believes that these ancients were carried to safety on some as yet undetected great Turnip Truck. More amazing still is that their descendents can be found living today in the Texas Panhandle, little changed from their primeval ancestors.
These apparent throwbacks to an earlier age claim a direct line of descent from Adam and Eve. This particular family lineage has had a peculiar reproductive strategy from in the beginning. Technically Eve was cloned from her mate, not the most auspicious method for procreation. The streamlined series of begats that followed prevented any fresh sap from entering the family tree, and many of today’s members seem to take pride in skinny dipping in the extreme shallow end of the gene pool.
Considering the adverse consequences of close inbreeding it is no wonder their brood continues to suffer abnormalities like feeble mindedness, insanity and Pat Robertson. This could also explain their rejection of evolution by natural selection in favor of, some might be inclined to say, unnatural selection.
Since only Intelligent Design could possibly explain this peculiar situation, the theory of evolution is once again in a struggle for survival in West Texas. Intelligent Design proposes that life is too irreducibly complex to be explained without the direction of an as yet unnamed (wink-wink) agent. Even though science has elucidated the evolution of the eye and bacterial flagellum -- key I.D. objections to random mutation and modification from simpler forms -- proponents still treat intricate body parts as finished pieces, as if creating species were a matter of someone sticking different bits onto a Mr. Potato Head.
Still, the most difficult argument to refute put forward by the evolutionarily challenged is the most obvious, that it was a godsend to have been made in the image of an anthropomorphic deity.
Who else but the Maker would have the genius to place feet at the end of our legs instead of our arms, close to the ground to make it easier to walk? Putting our nose between our eyes and our ears on either side of our head showed incredible foresight, as it gave us something to hang our glasses on.
The fact we have just two eyes is economical, for if we were spiders, who have up to a dozen eyes, the price of eyeglasses would be extremely costly, and since spiders have noses on their tongues and ears on their legs, our glasses would keep falling off. Michelangelo would have to repaint the Sistine Chapel, and that scene with Adam and his eight hairy spider legs reaching up to touch God wouldn’t be just ghastly, it’d be perfectly normal because we’d all be spiders.
Thank goodness we didn’t turn out to be worms. Playboy would have a six-foot long centerfoldfoldfoldfoldfoldfold -- rather unwieldy -- especially since worms don’t have hands. Lacking a musculo-skeletal structure we would have difficulty pushing down the accelerator or brake pedals on our cars, and using the steering wheel, turn signal and cell phone at the same time would be a driver’s nightmare, just like Houston.
In sum, in a world with hard church pews and sensual grips on rifle stocks, we need only look at the two legs on a pair of control stretch panty hose, a lady’s silk glove, or a push-up bra to know that an intelligence designed Man and his perfect body to fit the world we live in and that He meant for us to own guns. For us to have been created any differently would have made things extremely awkward.
It is inevitable these days that any mention of evolution is bound to turn up some old fossil, revealing just how far we have come. Man shares 99% of his genetic makeup with chimpanzees (Pan troglodytes troglodytes), demonstrating that amongst all animals we share a close common ancestor. In view of Panhandle Man and his fondness for Intelligent Design, there is certain to be demand for a recount -- by the chimpanzees.
