“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Amarillo Globe-News Unhinged

The flying saucers have landed.

Slow summer days are the traditional time of year for the silly season but now, right after the mid-term elections, the Amarillo Globe-News has opened it a tad late by
giving front page coverage to remote viewing.

Remote viewing is the putative paranormal ability to describe a place from a great distance, usually from the comfort of the seer’s own home. It is pure, unadulterated psychic bunk, but the Globe-News has gone for it hook, line and sinker. The first line: “Lori Lambert-Williams isn’t a psychic.” The rest is extrasensory doggerel wrapped in discredited pseudo-scientific mumbo jumbo.

What shall we witness next, snake handlers in the Faith Section, palm readers in the Business Section? Oh, wait, wasn’t that last week?

Should we be surprised the Globe cannot distinguish between fact and fantasy, that it has presented self-delusion as true? Granted, publishing delusion and fantasy is hardly a departure for Republican boot-lickers and robotic parrots of NewsMax and FrontPage, but outside the mental derangement of the White House shrubbery this is truly crack brained.

Perhaps the stressful conflict of reality and fantasy, of being a right-wing mouthpiece while posing as an unbiased legitimate newspaper has simply taken its toll, and with the passing of the election it has become time for a little vacation in the rubber room.

It certainly must be depressing to remain staunchly, rabidly conservative, the “historic voice” of the newspaper still gamboling in the antebellum south, yet still be hammered as a liberal rag for allowing the token appearance of modern opposing views.

What copywriter wouldn’t be strained by the gratuitous slobbering over experienced Republican candidates so deserving of election, cheerfully gloss over the inexperienced and endorse them simply because they are Republicans, then let one ragged Democrat slip through?

What editor wouldn’t eventually break from being conflicted, decrying hypocrisy in politics and condemning racism while playing the oligarch’s shill and providing a bigot a regular forum?

What former sports writer wouldn’t finally go off the rails, worried that five years of journalism school were wasted trying to discover what the pointy end of the pencil was for, gay bashing while anxious that his sputtering sperm had spawned a prancing pansy, and in the dead of sleepless nights fretting that no amount of Ten Commandment slabs on courthouse lawns will keep him from thinking that terrible, secret thought that there is no God?

Is it Thorazine time for the dearly demented who have been mainlining FOX and company these long years? One un-nerved soul, thrust into the national spotlight some time ago, pitched a fit over our fair citizens being portrayed as “hicks,” yet out of civic pride still conducts the parade of anti-science freaks, political schizophrenics and cultural psychotics unabated. Observers whose cerebral oxygen isn’t out-competed by cow flatulence might have good reason to look askance.

And let us top off this laughing stock with the proverbial diamond in a goat’s ass, The Center for the Performing Arts. Holzman Moss Architects are giggling their socks off dear Amarillo Globe-News, for those cattle-truck panels are a wicked joke, to make your patron cows feel right at home, and the yellow glass below is no sunset color but bovina piss, you guessed it right, splattered across your naked sky.

So what are we poor yokels to do, with our savvy newspaper done been had, gone off the deep end and our prize writers tailor-made for the straightjacket? Can we say Amarillo Globe-Enquirer?