“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Sunday, September 30, 2007


From the penthouse offices of Panhandle Truth Squad, high above the corner of 10th and Burr in downtown Amarillo, I survey the damage. I am looking for scenes of mass devastation—of looting and of rioting—but I see only a mugging. Ah, well. It is incumbent upon all of us to inflate our own importance.

Earlier, I had issued my missive in which I adopted a tone of petulant whining. “The blogosphere has become an uncollegial place,” I whined. “It is full of personal attacks, so unlike the impersonal attacks I favor.”

I hoped that readers of the petulant missive would ignore the savage personal attacks on the kindly old codg—kindly centegenarian Virgil Van Camp and the mean-spirited posts about the beloved sports columnist David H. Henry appearing just below.

I needn’t have worried because almost no one read the post, but, if they had, I was prepared with my Group Blog defense. “The Panhandle Truth Squad is a group blog,” I would opine. “I speak only for myself—not calamus venenum or blogarillo or any of the others.” And hopefully no one would guess the ugliest truth of all.

For the Truth is that calamus and blogarillo, and all the rest—even the ones who go by their own names behind enemy territory, in the very pages of the very Amarillo Globe-Republican, Lazar and Tackitt and Seewald—they are all me. They are all manifestations of my multiple personality disorder. In truth, there is only one progressive “thinker” in the entirety of the Texas Panhandle, and it is me. All the others are merely manifestations of my mental illness.

There is only one person behind the curtain, pulling the strings of many other fictional voices. This explains the groupthink that exists here, the way we always march in lockstep, in 100% agreement on all issues. The fact that blogarillo and Abdul Alhazred work in the same place is easily explained by my lack of any real imagination, as is this blog’s single-minded obsession with Virgil Van Camp and Dave Henry. Sorry, "D*ve H*nry," although I generally try to alter my spelling to keep the mythology of a group blog alive.

I just wish the myriad of voices in my head wouldn’t argue with each other so much, even as they agree totally with one another. Maybe I’ll try to get them to be nicer to one another. Then I’ll have what all the other bloggers seem to have—someone to watch my back.