“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Guest Editorial: I call Photoshop

Panhandle Truth Squad welcomes this guest editorial from Bob, an engineering student and old-school geek who lived on the far side of the first floor of McGinnis Hall during my freshman year --SPACEDARK

Pfft! I call Photoshop on 2008. Every other Digg these dayz is some d00d's Top-10 list about the nooz of the year, or a link to a Flickr set showing a year's worth of wars, rumorz of wars, and st0ckbr0kerz jumping out of buildings. OMFG.

How can u have a picture of a rumor of a war? That's just my point. W00t! I call Photoshop on the whole damn year. L2P, n00bs!

Take the subprime mortgage EPIC FAIL, for example. Ever d00d seems to think the whole thing was some sort of a bubble in which people were given loans with payments that seemed kewl at first but then expanded like the amount of hard drive space you need to store your pr0n. Most n00bs understand that there's something fake about the situation, but they don't grok the whole sitch. Here's a truth bomb: the whole thing, the mortage docs, the realtors and bankers, even the fraking houses themselves were Photoshop jobs, and bad ones. W00t! Those lamerz who got pwned by those mortages should have noticed the pixelation at the foundations of the houses and any idiot who zoomed in on the mortage documents should have seen that they used a font that doesn't even exist yet. Plus, I've heard that the shadowz cast by all those brick houses with wood shingles in the far southwest part of town point every which way-- even toward the sun. That's teh suxxor. How hard is it to ray trace a neighborhood?

During the erection I mean election everyone was unjustly accusing Larry Flynt of hiring a lookalike Sarah Palin to make a pr0n called Nailin' Palin. Now, I watched that movie several times, and that was no lookalike. People don't seem to understand that Larry Flynt created Sarah Palin in the first place with Photoshop and morphing software. He just pulled up his archives of secksy librarians, morphed them together, tweaked it a bit, and Sarah Palin winked into existence. Get it? Winked? But in an attempt to increase her hotness he did the bodies and the heads separately. Any idiot can see where he spliced them together.

Her nomination was a freak coincidence. After John McCain admitted he didn't know how to use e-mail, his staff had to sk00l him. They remembered to tell him not to open teh e-mails from the nice Nigerian princes, but forgot to say anything about Larry Flynt. John opened his latest e-mail from Larry and a Sarah Palin popped out of his laptop like a Gator installer in 1999. Larry made another copy and sent it to Lorne Michaels on a thumb drive. Lorne renamed the copy "Tina Fey".

And then there's Barack Obama. Everybody's talking about how he's the first African-American president. I call Photoshop! Everybody's talking about his white mother. I call Photoshop on that, too! He might be lily-white or he might be as black as the 175 million barrels of crude oil hidden in the basement of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location. He could be red or yellow black or white! No one knows! But he's certainly not the color everyone sees when they look at him. Because, right before he declared for president, they put Barack Obama in Photoshop and popped open the ole Hue/Saturation dialog box, and adjusted the levels until they came up with a color that was almost, but not quite, whatever u wanted it to be! Photoshop!

Photoshop! Photoshop! Photoshop! W00t!