Pre-Brokeback

Reading the comments over the past few days, a repub troll brought up an old post. I always liked this oldie but goodie after attending a serman at Church here in the heart of dixie.

After reading Spacedark's post about Larry Kilgore I wonder . . . was it really satire?

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Reposted from November 11, 2005.

Dear . . .

. . . Rev Stan Coffey, AND Larry Kilgore

When someone tries to defend the homosexual agenda, like civil rights and other sissy Democrap stuff, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states that faggotry is an abomination. End of debate for those slack-jaw, gold lamee' shorts wearin', commie pinkos!

But since you are a holy man, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the other specific biblical laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. Taking into account 2000 years of inflation, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking women at work, but most take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Should I kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play touch football if I wear gloves (Goatskin?)

10. My brother-in-law has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

Lovingly heterosexually yours in Jesus,
Prodigal Son