Speaking Republican

Some writers in this space have gotten a little frustrated trying to talk to Republicans. Not all Republicans, mind you. Just the ones who have graduated from the RTI, Republican Training Institute. It seems that RTI grads do not speak English, but an entirely new language, unknown to non-graduates. In the effort to reduce friction in our community, I have gained access to portions of an RTI manual. Following will be Lesson 1 in speaking Republican.

We'll start with some common phrases to help understand what they are talking about.

"We respect the public."

--The public are gullible ignoramuses.

" 'A' is doing a superb job."

--'A' agrees with me.

"You can't put a number on that."

--The number would be embarrassing to me, so I won't tell it to you.

"Answer my questions."

--I refuse to answer your questions.

"I don't discuss classified reports."

--Somebody else leaked the report for me.

"We know exactly what is happening."

--We have no earthly idea which end is up.

" 'A' is just plain wrong."

--'A' disagrees with me.

"All we want is an up or down vote."

--Drop dead.

"The media are biased."

--The media do not always use our talking points.

"The Democrats will raise your taxes."

--The Democrats will make me pay some taxes.

"We won that argument."

--We got creamed, but refused to admit it.

"We lost that argument."

--We got creamed and someone was stupid enough to admit it.

"We don't make policy based on polls."

--We make policy based upon contributions.

"I say exactly what I mean."

--Sometime in the middle of the night, you'll get tired and drop your wallet.