“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Trolling for Troll Tolls

There has been some little discussion on how to handle what are commonly referred to in the blogosphere as "trolls." Do you:

1) engage them, countering them with informed reason and logical argument, believing rational debate is possible, only to discover the tiresome futility of squabbling with a tree stump?
2) ignore them in the hope that their narcissistic need to have their skunking of your garden party constantly affirmed will be met elsewhere?
3) ban them, as some blogs have, in effect, done?

Here we demonstrate an alternative, effective, and most satisfactory way of dealing with trolls.

A) Choose a good location, one with a clear vantage point and plenty of space in which your trolls may anticipate a rally or the burning of a Cross. Mark the rallying point carefully. We have marked our spot “I HATE PTS”, guaranteed to draw attention in Amarillo with or without the offer of free donuts, beer and the burning a liberal in effigy.

B) Having drawn the attention of a troll, expect them to have brought an axe to grind, or in this case a club with which they intend to beat in the heads of innocent, naive liberals like so many cute, cuddly baby seals. Wait for it. Remember, many trolls possess lower than average intelligence and will wonder where the rest of the trolls are. Wait for it. Make sure your troll is in position. Quit waiting for it.

C) Release the piano.

D) The piano accelerates toward Earth and the troll because of Earth's gravity. Earth is 4.5 billion years old, while according to trolls it is 6,000 years old. Gravity is caused by the Earth's mass distorting the local space-time field, while for trolls it is caused by magnetism. Today it is irrelevant what the troll thinks. Wait for it.

E) Unfortunately we must censor this scene. Here at PTS we abhor sax, violins and drunken – sorry – smashed musical instruments. A grand piano is a beautiful thing to waist. (Thanks, AGN.) The piano encounters the troll with, according to physics, F=ma; according to the troll: WHAM!

ACME Pest Con-Troll offers a full line of troll elimination products, including safes, anvils, and the ever popular iron weight, all in a variety of sizes and colors.*

So if you have a troll problem, turn to ACME Products for your troll elimination needs.

*Keep out of reach of children. ACME Products are, like guns, tools not weapons. ACME Products not responsible for misuse. ACME Products not responsible for any association or similarity between ACME Products and products used on Saturday morning cartoon shows. ACME Products not responsible for manufacture by slave labor in China, Russia, Myanmar, Mozambique or Texas. ACME Product satisfaction guaranteed for lifetime of troll.

* * *

Euterpe was slain; yet Euterpe lives.