“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Wonderful World of Warthogs 9/27/07

Welcome to “The Wonderful World of Warthogs,” the program devoted to examining our local warthog community, listening to their “historic voice” and seeing if we can learn anything from their incessant snorts and grunts.This is a very special edition of “The Wonderful World of Warthogs.” By popular demand this program is entirely, totally, absolutely devoted to warthog bottom Dav* H*nry.

We invited him to appear on the show for an interview, but apparently he doesn’t acknowledge our existence, so instead his Number 1 fan in America, if not the entire world, asked to come in his place. Let’s give a huge round of applause in welcoming the Internet and media’s latest phenom – Chris Crocker!

Hi everyone. I just wanted to come on here, along with the other cute, cuddly, little animals like Cat’s Meow and Hippity Hop, to defend Dave, to protect Dave, and tell you, tell you to your face, just how mean and ugly you’re being to him. You’re just horrible! How freaking dare you make fun of Dave after all he’s been through!

He went through a divorce from that cow. He’s got that freaking kid. And just when he was starting over, starting a new life, you have to write these hateful, hateful things about him. He’s a human being! All you do is write a bunch of crap about him. You are so cruel and unusually horrid. It breaks my -- breaks my heart.

He’s a wonderful, wonderful man. He was so beautiful at the remedial journalism seminar. I was in my blue dress talking about subjunctive clauses; our eyes met and we knew. It was -- it was – so – beautiful. That weekend was so, so dreamy, so passionate. When he caressed and noticed my Adam’s Apple, and I told him Ann Coulter had one too, it just made him so hot, so romantic. His beard tickled so much, in so many places!

I love him so much. Why can’t you just LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are lucky he even keeps writing for you BASTARDS so you can mock him! What is so wrong with him still doing sports stories, going into the boys’ locker room and shower, notebook and camera in hand, but the paper won’t publish them! What’s with that? He has been so, so frustrated!

Why do you all hate him so much? Why are you all so obsessed with him? You are all so pathetic. It makes me want to throw up like a Swedish girl. Just LEAVE DAVE ALONE! Please. He’s trying to write his book right now. It’s called “It’s All About Me” and I’m helping him, but all these mean, vicious attacks are tearing us apart. It’s so awful. I just can’t bear it.

Please Dave, don’t let them do this to us. We love each other, I know it. You haven’t called me back. We made such mad, wild passionate love. When you discovered – you were so surprised – I thought you’d be so happy. You said you’d send me to the Tehran Pridefest. Why don’t you return my calls, Dave?

You nasty, horrible people have just devastated him. Don’t you know what a real personal attack looks like? You should be ashamed. Dave – sweetheart -- I know you don’t have the sack to answer calamus’ spiteful hate, but you know – you know I have the sack, so I’m telling calamus and all of you to leave my Dave alone, please! Leave Dave Henry alone, right now! I mean it!

Anyone that has a problem with him you deal with me, because he is the Britney Spears of journalism, and he is not well right now.


Well, ah, er – thank you Chris for being on our program. That was very brave of you. Let’s give Chris a big round of applause ladies and gentlemen.

Dave, if you’re out there watching why don’t you call this attractive young man? And in the future we here at “The Wonderful World of Warthogs” will make sure, like our counterparts, that we discuss issues, not engage in personal attacks.

Next week on “The Wonderful World of Warthogs” our subject will be “Did Virgil Van Camp contract untreated syphilis from a Japanese prostitute or was it from Celtic Texan’s wife?”

Thanks for tuning in, and see you next week.