“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Thursday, September 04, 2008

ACME -- Stamping Out Trolls For Nearly Twenty Years

After our last piece on trolls (“Trolling for Troll Tolls”) there were a number of complaints. Well, two actually. One was received from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Trolls calling for swifter, more reliable euthanasia methods than gravity and heavy objects. The second was from the Globe-News Center for the Performing Arts demanding to know where its William Morris III Steinway got to. More on this much, much later.

Today, as many blog proprietors know, not every troll is adventurous enough to wander under an extremely heavy falling object. Some trolls have become lodged in a blog or have been found living under the floor boards of chat rooms. For these pests ACME has always provided the latest in troll removal and crushing technology.

When trolls were cute, amusing, infantile little annoyances ACME introduced the T-10, capable of squishing these soft, vacuous little creatures into a bodacious pulp in a squealing ten seconds.

When trolls became senile, pot-bellied bilious windbags ACME came out with the T-100, able to squash these crusty, demented old farts into a curious flatulent dust in a grumbling half minute.

Now that trolls are ugly, nasty, dim-witted brutes, incapable of common sense, reason or civil behavior and so oblivious they don’t even notice when their own testicles have been sawn off and stuffed up their nose with a rusty fork, ACME offers the T-1000.

The T-1000 provides a bone splintering 950 tons of moderated pressure in under a second, able to mash even the most unwelcome and obstreperous of trolls flatter than a fleet of steamrollers can press an ant’s pants.

ACME is proud to be a Green company, using environmentally friendly production methods. Below is an example of a particularly thick West-Texan troll recycled into a now useful manhole cover, still just as dense and inert but saving on expensive imported steel.

ACME. Make An Impression.