“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Friday, May 23, 2008

it was one of those weeks

Mr. Spacedark, pictured above,
with the new Superintendent of Schools
models an SBOE-approved hairstyle
for English teachers.

In Austin this week, the State Board of Education approved new standards requiring that all English teachers wear their hair in buns and always carry rulers to rap the knuckles of citizens who misuse the objective case. Texas teachers had lobbied hard for standards that reflected the twenty-first century, but, in a surprise move, social conservatives brought in Mr. Wackford Squeers, Mr. Holofernes, and Mr. The Teacher From Pink Floyd's The Wall to make their recommendations to the board. "When I have modern teachers telling me one thing and villainous, pedantic, cruel and belittling schoolmasters from ages past telling me another," said one Board member, "I figure best practices are somewhere in the middle. So I just split the difference."

In a story related to "splitting the difference," though not related to "best practices," Panhandle Regional Planning Commission is reported to be "preparing for catastrophe." In a story related to that, Barbara Miller of Miller Paper Company is reported to have risen from the grave. Not one to miss an opportunity, Ms. Miller plans to capitalize on the gigareams of paper that is required for the paperwork whenever PRPC prepares for anything. Panhandle residents are advised, should there actually be a catastrophe, to bring a pen.

In other news related to paper, though not related to people who are able to read and write, David H. Henry was pleased to find that his e-mail spam was "batting .500". Mr. Henry—who never met a sports cliché he wouldn't type—is impressed, it would seem, with those who are right half the time. This explains his vast collection of Doppler Dave memorabilia, though it does not explain his puppy love for the Emperor W, for whom the idea of being as much as half right is a dream unlikely to ever be fulfilled.

Just across from Mr. Henry in Thursday's paper, one Jancy Richards defended Intelligent Design and Ben Stein's bizarre conspiracy theory "Expelled," which blames the Holocaust on Charles Darwin. Panhandle residents prone to more pedestrian conspiracy theories wondered if Jancy's love for ID was related to her big brother Jay's position as a Fellow at the Discovery Institute. Upon hearing this theory, David H. Henry expressed in his "Opinions Others Won't Give" that those Panhandlian secularists were a bunch of Nazi-lovers. He was immediately sued by the Association of Internet Trolls, Fox News Guests, and Globe-Republican Letterwriters, Amalgamated, the members of which had already given that opinion, many, many, many times over.

It was one of those weeks.