“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into”

Jonathan Swift
"The Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital." - Bill Maher
"The city is crowded my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle so I gotta get up and go

It's a cruel ... cruel summer"

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Calamus Venenum in Federal Custody

The Law Offices of Nibon and Mitsu, LLP, regret to inform readers of Panhandle Truth Squad that calamus venenum is currently being detained by the federal government, department of Homeland Security.

Details are necessarily sketchy, but we can tell you the following:

He was traveling with his wife who was attending the American Society for Microbiology Conference for Undergraduate Educators in Buffalo, New York. Afterwards they went to Niagara Falls, but after crossing the Rainbow Bridge discovered that passports were now required to enter Canada. Crossing back over the bridge they were stopped on the American side and informed passports were required to enter the United States.

A Texas driver’s license being insufficient identity, a Google search by the border guard quickly turned up words like “treason” and “seditious writings about Barney in the White House” on Free Republic linked to calamus venenum. The words “batty,” “needing professional attention,” “pinko communist” and “criminally insane” also popped up repeatedly.

Calamus venenum was immediately detained by the authorities. Questioned on the above, a heavily redacted transcript shows that calamus venenum swore that Free Republic was a neo-fascist blog and that the latter quotes were part of a spoof or satire.

Calamus venenum was then informed that Free Republic was a "high value intelligence source" for the Pentagon’s war effort, and that satire, sarcasm and irony had been secretly outlawed by the Colbert Act.

Facing rendition to Syria for having equated President Bush’s intelligence to that of a hamster, calamus venenum was given a choice of either speaking French with a Texas accent or signing a paper admitting to acts of sarcasm, satire and irony, but on the less severe grounds that they were only “vaguely humorous.” Having signed the paper calamus venenum was then arrested and handed over to officers of Homeland Security as an “agent quite possibly provocateur.”

Informed of this Gonzalean outrage, the Law Offices of Mitsu and Nibon immediately flew to New York (in carriers, baggage class), only to then discover we are not licensed to practice law in New York. We were also put in quarantine because of some arcane New York law.

Employing the good services of a licensed lawyer specializing in defending veterinarians against malpractice, we sent a note to calamus venenum telling him that our water dish was running low. We learned that calamus venenum may be somewhere in the United States, Europe, the Middle-East, or elsewhere on the planet. Attorneys for Free Republic, the Amarillo Globe-News and Ladies Home Journal (all flew first class) have filed amicus briefs with the court asking that he be sent to a secret prison in Egypt.

Calamus venenum was working on some material for this blog right up until the time he went over the border line. His wife now has his PDA in her possession, and will edit and publish it as she can in the near future.

In the meantime, keep faith in freedom, and send liver treats.